I updated my list of owned books yesterday. I've been buying books without being overly diligent about adding them to my tally of owned but unread books. Assuming I haven't missed any, I'm at 190 books. That puts me pretty much back at the initial stages of this little project. Well, at least in terms of the number of books that I own but have not read. I made a shelf on Goodreads for the books that were on my original tally. That stands at 130. I'm not really worried about my lack of progress on Bookshelf Zero. I haven't exactly been committed to the project for a couple of years now. I feel worse about how I have pretty much just been going through the motions on my little personal side quests for the last couple of years. I feel like I'm past the big emotional and mental obstacles that have been dogging me for the last couple of years. That urge to channel my personal energy into making progress on a meaningful task has been gradually ratcheting up over the last couple of months. The onset of the New Year brings the annual refocusing of my energy into these long term plans. I feel ready to get more serious about my reading, fitness, and other goals.
My indifference to things that I once found very meaningful has been a bit troubling. I don't know if I've been depressed or just worn out. The wife and I were talking about the path not taken earlier in the week. I have no idea what challenges were lying in wait for us down that path, but I doubt they would have been harder than what we have gone through since September of 2021. We downplayed the emotional stress and struggle of our year apart while we were living through it. Yes, we acknowledge it was hard, but I know I didn't really acknowledge just how big a challenge we had taken on with our decision to move. That was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It took a ton out of me in just about every way possible. It wasn't like life was a piece of cake after that year was over. The adjustments we were all going through once in Florida took their toll as well. My energy was going to those issues. I wasn't defusing extra energy into reading or other activities. I was using all I had just to get through everyday. I was still doing the things that were a big part of my RIchmond life, they were just on a smaller scale. The ratio of the amount of energy I used for work to what I used for personal stuff slammed to the work effort. I'm finally getting that work effort under better control. The challenges and what I need to do everyday haven't changed much, but I have figured out better ways to navigate these issues. It's a process that will continue with new projects, new owners, and all of the uncertainty of professional life.
So I start 2025 feeling better equipped to handle life. That means finding the time and energy to work on long term goals rather than just finding the energy to get through the day. Managing my energy is the real challenge. I just haven't had the physical energy to read at the end of the day. I haven't had the mental energy to read earlier in the evening.Reading rather than watching some random YouTube video would be a better use of my time, but I have needed some time to recover from my day and build up some mental energy. Finding ways to refill my energy by reading or some other more constructive activity rather than just watching a screen would be a real coup. That's what I need to figure out this year. The first step is wanting to do those things. That's what has been missing for the last couple of years.
My low energy hasn't just made it harder for me to make positive progress on my goals (like actually reading books). Submitting to temptation and doing things that feel good, like buying books or eating crappy food or taking it easy on a workout, are also a big part of that low energy state. Making better choices, which almost always means doing the harder thing that will have benefits down the road over the easy thing that feels good in the moment, has been a big challenge as I've dealt with this life stuff. Better discipline around what I want long term will be a big part of getting back on the right track in 2025. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like in the moment, but that definitely needs to be the 2025 theme. Reading more books. Buying fewer of them. That's the path to getting the things I want to get from my reading.
