Equilibrium Point

It's the fun resolution setting time of year. I guess I could be bummed that I missed most of last year's reading goals, but I enjoy the reset that comes with the new year. All the possibilities! I also like to use the last week or so of the year to purchase a few books, you know, one last splurge before I tighten things up and work on reading what I already own in the New Year. Not that my self-imposed buying restrictions are very successful. I read a few and buy a few. It's a cycle that just keeps on repeating itself. I supposed that I should just live with my buying habit and just hope to maintain some kind of equilibrium between reading old stuff and picking up new books. Maybe finding that balance point should be my real reading goal. Rather than Bookshelf Zero, my goal should just be to read a book or two more than I buy. 

I recently stumbled on a picture I took back in 2014 that is a good illustration of this idea. I laid out some books that I was going to prioritize for reading in 2015. I didn't get to all of them in 2015, but there was only 1 book in that picture that I have not read. The one book I haven't read, Parade's End, is the type of book that tends to sit on my shelves for a long time. Perhaps I should just stop buying books that I struggle to read and just buy things that I will get to quickly. It will slow my progress towards reading my backlist, but it will prevent too much new accumulation. I've bought 13 books and have read 12 owned books this year. Some of those 12 were definitely books that I bought this year, but that's not such a bad thing with this equilibrium point idea. If I just lower my equilibrium point by 5 books or so a year, I will gradually turnover my bookshelf. The real goal would be to lower the average time it takes me to get to a book. This will be a difficult number to determine at this point given that I don't have a purchase date for many of my books, but I know what is relatively new and what I've had for a while. Prioritizing the stuff I've had for a while should be the real goal. 

The book I'm currently reading, The Wapshot Chronicle, perfectly illustrates this approach. I bought this book back in June 2016. It's a Modern Library book, that's why I bought it from a used bookstore that quickly went out of business, that is not really something that I've been clamoring to read. It's a perfectly good book. I'm not bored while reading a few pages before I go to bed. It's actually a very pleasant reading experience. There are just other books that I would rather read. Some of those I already own, but a pretty good percentage of the 170 (for now) unread books that I own fall pretty neatly into the Wapshot Chronicles category. I looked through my unread books list and it's rife with books that I'm not exactly thrilled to pick up. They are usually really long or notoriously challenging reads. Both of these are features that attracted me to those books in the first place. It would be so fun to just get lost in some impossibly long book that people love (like The Count of Monte Cristo or Once and Eagle) or discover the magic of Proust or Tolstoy! At least that's what drives some of my buying decisions. Those future states are fun to think about, just like making reading plans for a fresh block of 12 months, but they are much more difficult to realize. 

Learning to deemphasize a sense of failure while highlighting the periods of discovery and beauty that come from reading wonderful books is an underappreciated aspect of Bookshelf Zero. The project is really just a reminder to take a look back every now and then and do a little book shopping from my own shelves. It's not a single-minded focus on getting through an arbitrary pile of books. It's a reminder that there are good things waiting if I make the effort. I can still buy books, as my recent purchase of 6 books from Thriftbooks so clearly attests, but there are plenty of new things to read just waiting on my shelves. 

This has been brewing...

This post has been brewing for a few weeks. This is not a capitulation, but it's not a re-engaging with the Bookshelf Zero project either. It's more of a reassessment of how I got here, where I am with this project, and what it all means. I'm not sure where to start, and, as I have been starting and never posting thoughts on YouTube vloggers, career prospects, and my general aspect on life, I will likely overthink this post and just give up on it before I get into the real issue.

I live a highly quantitated life. I track my running mileage and pace, reading, workouts, and intimate times with my wife. My entire life has had this element of the quantifiable. Grades, weight lifting maxes, 40 times, body weight, standardized test scores, number of publications, my entire graduate research program was just one big effort to measure a very obscure property of some obscure molecules. I was religious about keeping a list of video games that I beat when I was a kid. I was attracted to the Concept2 rowing machine because they supported an online logbook with rankings and challenges. It's no wonder I enjoy gambling. That's the ultimate in quantifiable living. Your value isn't measured in some abstract concept of the Good or a Soul. You're as good as the money you've won. Law school applications are the ultimate in quantified living. We are living in a quantified world and I am a quantified girl. 

Quantification has its place, but deeming personal worth by scores and measures is not that place. Bookshelf Zero sets another aspect of my life into the quantified framework. Do I read to read or do I read to realize another quantified goal? I never really judged my worth by my paycheck, but my worth is certainly wrapped up in how many books I've read, how much weight I can lift, and how many times I've had sex in a year. Earning more points doesn't mean I'm living a better life. More points just means I'm earning more arbitrary value on an activity that in many cases has no material impact on my life. Points have been an easy proxy for value derivation. The more points I'm earning, the better life I must be living or the better person I must be. 

I really don't know how to find value and meaning outside of the quantified realm. I know my best years have been those when all the things I quantify have gone well. I'm healthy (running well, lifting regularly), pursuing meaningful activities (reading good books), and my relationship is in a good place (plenty of sex). My ability to do those things well says that work is going well and my life is in a good, stable place. I'm getting the reassurance I need to feel confident and energized. I feel like I'm important and valuable. My best quantified years were the twenty teens. Plenty of highlights in these years. I got really into the whole experience points thing during this time. I was killing all my goals. Then my kids got older (I also got older) and the points thing wasn't working as well. My job changed, Covid hit, and it's been a struggle ever since. All the things I relied on to feel good about myself just kind of crumbled. I felt exposed and I've been struggling to figure out a way to recover from this exposure. 

I always turn to my points system for salvation when I need an ego boost, but that trick isn't working. My old tricks aren't doing the job any longer. Making progress on Bookshelf Zero doesn't feel like an accomplishment in the way it used to. I started this project when I realized I own books that I will likely never read in my lifetime. I buy books as an aspiration to some higher state. Not reading these books means I will not achieve that state. Bookshelf Zero was a way to ensure I achieved that state, but it became its own effort to achieve a higher state. So I still want to read the books, but I'm not sure Bookshelf Zero is the effort to get me there. I'm also not sure I can give it up. Where does that leave me? Good question.

How do I end up in these ruts?

I've finished 6 books so far this year. The latest was H is for Hawk. I've had that book in my Kindle library for a couple of years. I think I picked it up on sale after having had my eye on it after it was well reviewed. It also has a catchy cover. I'm into birds. My last name starts with H. It felt like it was a book that would fit my vibe. I'm not sure I feel that way having read it, but it was definitely a book worth reading. It wasn't the most engaging and page turning read though. That may not be the book's fault. I have not been managing my energy well for the last few weeks. I'm totally tapped by the evening so reading right before I go to bed doesn't get me very far. I know, this is a common refrain. My patterns are well established. 

My prediction that Bewilderment would be quick proved accurate. It went a bit outlandish at the end, felt like some Covid concerns slipped in as the writing was wrapping up, but the core of the book was strong.  Generation X didn't fit on my shelves when I finally got my books out of the boxes so I just went ahead and read it. The wide pages with the pithy slogans and cartoons felt contrived but the book itself was fine. It would likely be forgotten if the title hadn't been used to label my generation. I was curious. I'm not curious any longer. I bought a biography of a Polish poet who lived in California on a whim. It deserves the praise that I read. Reading how this guy turned his California life into poetry (I've read a few of the poems, they deliver) was an interesting contrast to the stream of conscious superficiality of YouTube videos. These people need to do more with the experiences they document. Give us some synthesis. Find some meaning in all these places you go and things you see!

I'm close to abandoning my current book, The Grace of Kings. It's just not very interesting (or well written). I'm 100 pages in and it's not doing anything for me. I have so many other good books sitting around that I would rather read. I may give it a few more days, but if things don't pick up soon I'm moving on. 

I bought an Agatha Christie book on sale the other day, And Then There Were None, so I'm still at 167 after finishing H is for Hawk. I really need to go on one of my reading spurts and check a few of these things off (so I can buy more books). 

Great Circle closed

The first third of this book is fantastic. I figured I would have to
read what actually won the Booker Prize because whatever beat this
book out must be fantastic. There is a weird shift somewhere in the
middle of the book where the magic that propelled the early narrative
slips away. The Marian Graves arc flounders. Things wrap up
satisfactorily, but that middle third or so really drags down the
novel. The book is still excellent, but the power of the early part is
not sustained throughout the entire book. I'm happy I read it. It's
such a relief to read a contemporary novel that isn't about a writer
trying to navigate their overwrought life.

Another Booker Prize shortlisted book that I had on my library waiting
list came available right as I was finishing Great Circle.
Bewilderment grabbed me just as strongly as Great Circle. I read a few
pages this morning and I have been compelled to dip in pretty
regularly all day. I read a decent chunk of one of my owned books
yesterday, I really want to build some owned book momentum, but I was
drawn back to Bewilderment. The writing is top notch, but the book is
also really short. I don't feel like I will get too off track with the
owned books with this one as I will zip through it pretty quickly.
It's so short I expect it will be more uniformly strong.

I'm back to 169 after buying Kafka on the Shore. So be it. I may buy
Overstory if Bewilderment delivers on its early promise.

Another book finished, sticking with the plan

I finished Siege of Darkness today. I should have finished it last
week, but reading is a pretty low priority activity when I'm at home.
It was one of the better Drizzt books. I'm always impressed with how
well Salvatore keeps the stories fresh despite a relatively limited
cast and settings. The limited scope allows him to add depth and
dimension to his characters and settings. Plots move forward with a
good pace but new elements get added so the series moves forward with
fresh new angles. I'm happy to keep plugging away at these.

I implemented the defined reading time tonight. The first night was a
success. I didn't have to deal with the big question of what to read
next as I've been reading Siege of Darkness and Great Circle
simultaneously. I just picked up Great Circle right where I left off
from my library loan. I read to experience books like this. It's
fantastic. It's such a pleasure to read. I wouldn't know what to say
if somebody asked me what makes it so fun. I may figure out its appeal
by the end of the book, but I'm just happy to go along for the ride.

As it's the beginning of the year, this seems like a reasonable place
to check in on my progress to BookShelf Zero. Not great. I bought a
bunch of books right at the end of the year to bring my book total to
169. Finishing Drizzt 10 brings me down to 168. I wanted to get below
140 last year. I ended up adding 13 books. That's not really the
direction I want to go, but that's just been life. Hopefully this
regular reading time will get things moving and I'll start checking
off books on the regular.