Patience

Big projects do not willingly yield big moments. I'm getting impatient for a big moment. I read a book, check it off the list, and move on to the next one. It feels like such a small thing against the much bigger task of making my way through this large and largely arbitrary list of titles. It's not like I'm going to stop reading anytime soon, but the sense of pressure I feel to make progress, to show something for all my work and effort in resisting the urge to just acquire, makes me want to feel like I'm making progress. That sense of getting something done is hard to find when every step is so small relative to the size of the whole journey.

Losing weight is similar. You work, work, work only to see nothing much change on a day to day basis. Looking back over months or years progress is apparent, but the daily living of the process yields so little in perceptible change. The dedication to stick with the process, to keep living the way you want things to be eventually rather than the way things are now requires patience. You have to wait for results to show up and a difference to show itself. Sticking to the plan is not fun when you're stuck in the grind.

The novelty of the Book Shelf Zero challenge is gone. The thrill of getting the list together, seeing the size and scope of the challenge take shape, and making the first few steps against that big audacious goal is an exciting time. I'm well past that stage. It's just an endless list of books to read. I enjoy the books that I've read. I finished American Pastoral last week. Phenomenal book. I'm charging through the 3rd Culture book now. It's fantastic. The way Banks makes cracks about how ancient the relics of the events of the first Culture book sounds like an acknowledgment of the inferiority of Consider Phelbas. He wants it to be cast back in the deep past. I'm happy to leave it back there with him.

I enjoy each book I read as an individual experience, but the experience of the broader reading goals is not as pleasurable. There is just so little progress. I kind of can't help but thinking why bother and what's the point. I could just abandon my plans and pursue whatever feels good, as recommended by people who manage to read over a hundred books a year (although counting a 90 page play as a book is hardly the same thing as a hefty novel), but that surrender to chance and whim is exactly the opposite intention of Book Shelf Zero. Eat whatever feels good will lead to massive weight gain. Reading (and buying) whatever sounds fun and engaging has lead to my current predicament (over a hundred books in my house just waiting to be read). I can't just do whatever. Sure, the numbers of books I read in a year may pop up a bit (I don't think I could ever get to 100, at least not in my current reading patterns and habits), but I wouldn't be reading the books that I want to have read.

Embracing the pointlessness of reading all my owned books just for the sake of reading them is central to the challenge. There is no tangible reward at the end. It's just doing something that requires some dedication and commitment. It's an effort to break the thread of just living life moment to moment and finding a way to link all of those moments and transient interests into something with greater purpose and intention.