This post has been brewing for a few weeks. This is not a capitulation, but it's not a re-engaging with the Bookshelf Zero project either. It's more of a reassessment of how I got here, where I am with this project, and what it all means. I'm not sure where to start, and, as I have been starting and never posting thoughts on YouTube vloggers, career prospects, and my general aspect on life, I will likely overthink this post and just give up on it before I get into the real issue.
I live a highly quantitated life. I track my running mileage and pace, reading, workouts, and intimate times with my wife. My entire life has had this element of the quantifiable. Grades, weight lifting maxes, 40 times, body weight, standardized test scores, number of publications, my entire graduate research program was just one big effort to measure a very obscure property of some obscure molecules. I was religious about keeping a list of video games that I beat when I was a kid. I was attracted to the Concept2 rowing machine because they supported an online logbook with rankings and challenges. It's no wonder I enjoy gambling. That's the ultimate in quantifiable living. Your value isn't measured in some abstract concept of the Good or a Soul. You're as good as the money you've won. Law school applications are the ultimate in quantified living. We are living in a quantified world and I am a quantified girl.
Quantification has its place, but deeming personal worth by scores and measures is not that place. Bookshelf Zero sets another aspect of my life into the quantified framework. Do I read to read or do I read to realize another quantified goal? I never really judged my worth by my paycheck, but my worth is certainly wrapped up in how many books I've read, how much weight I can lift, and how many times I've had sex in a year. Earning more points doesn't mean I'm living a better life. More points just means I'm earning more arbitrary value on an activity that in many cases has no material impact on my life. Points have been an easy proxy for value derivation. The more points I'm earning, the better life I must be living or the better person I must be.
I really don't know how to find value and meaning outside of the quantified realm. I know my best years have been those when all the things I quantify have gone well. I'm healthy (running well, lifting regularly), pursuing meaningful activities (reading good books), and my relationship is in a good place (plenty of sex). My ability to do those things well says that work is going well and my life is in a good, stable place. I'm getting the reassurance I need to feel confident and energized. I feel like I'm important and valuable. My best quantified years were the twenty teens. Plenty of highlights in these years. I got really into the whole experience points thing during this time. I was killing all my goals. Then my kids got older (I also got older) and the points thing wasn't working as well. My job changed, Covid hit, and it's been a struggle ever since. All the things I relied on to feel good about myself just kind of crumbled. I felt exposed and I've been struggling to figure out a way to recover from this exposure.
I always turn to my points system for salvation when I need an ego boost, but that trick isn't working. My old tricks aren't doing the job any longer. Making progress on Bookshelf Zero doesn't feel like an accomplishment in the way it used to. I started this project when I realized I own books that I will likely never read in my lifetime. I buy books as an aspiration to some higher state. Not reading these books means I will not achieve that state. Bookshelf Zero was a way to ensure I achieved that state, but it became its own effort to achieve a higher state. So I still want to read the books, but I'm not sure Bookshelf Zero is the effort to get me there. I'm also not sure I can give it up. Where does that leave me? Good question.
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