The Horse's Mouth is this year's Tender is the Night. I spent a month reading that not so very long owned book last year. I'm in the same reading dead zone right now. I'm just not making any progress on any book at the moment. I have The Horse's Mouth going, making very little progress, and The Eyre Affair (library ebook) also consuming some of my reading time. I basically did no reading over the weekend and very little this week. Life stuff is taking a good chunk of my time (spent Saturday night in a hotel and had basically zero time to read) and I've been watching baseball and football games rather than reading. My reading motivation is very much at low tide.
My motivation in general is at a pretty low ebb. I'm going to the gym out of habit more than a real desire to hit the weights, and I'm very much struggling with my marathon training. I'm getting in most of the longer runs, but I cut my long run on Saturday short (mostly to make sure we made it to DC for the Nationals game on time but I was struggling big time for most of the run) and I just flat out decided not to run on Monday morning. I was tired and my knee didn't feel all that great. I was much more consistent in my training last year. I kind of what to attribute my struggles more to the weather than any fitness or performance shortcoming. I've been greeted by muggy mornings pretty much every run. Who knows what conditions I'll be facing on Saturday morning as Florence rolls through. We've been spared a strong impact by the storms shift south, but rain and wind are still very much in the forecast. Twelve miles on the treadmill does not sound very appealing. Regardless of the conditions, I'm just not that excited to get out and run. Maybe a slower paced weekend will give me a chance to rest up and get my mind in a better place. I have to confess that I'm not bursting with optimism that this will be the case.
My motivation woes are closely tied to my long term residence in a pretty deep rut. I've been in what can best be thought of as a nice stable spot for the past few years. I've done a very good job of staying in place. My fitness, weight, and strength are all pretty much holding steady. That could be viewed as effectively resisting the eroding forces of time, but I feel like I'm just failing to really take the actions I need to get some kind of improvements in at least one of these areas of my life. I look at the scale and think that I may just be gaining muscle, but I look in the mirror and see the same of spare tire that I've been saying I want to get rid of for years. My books to read number has gotten smaller, but I don't really feel the progress. I was promoted at work at the beginning of the year, but I've been doing pretty much the same job for the last few years. It's gotten very stale.
I'm not really sure how to bump myself out of this long term equilibrium. I'm happy that I don't have a huge gut, but I'm frustrated by the lack of any positive movement towards a more trim frame. I've gotten no faster, I'm not noticeably stronger, and I still have to resist buying books. It's just all getting so old. Some cooler temperatures might make me feel faster running. Fewer family plans may allow me to get in more regular lifting workouts (which usually result in me being able to put more weight on the bar). Cutting out desserts may help me shed a pound or two. Some progress would be nice, but failure to face the inadequacy of goals like this to make me feel fulfilled may be the real problem.
These few pursuits I just highlighted have me looking for satisfaction and contentment in the future. When I lose the gut, I will be happy with my body. When I can run faster (exact speed not specified), I will be in shape. When I have read all my books, I will feel like I have really accomplished something. My life has been one long series of long term goals with some kind of promised salvation with the goal's accomplishment. Long term goals are fine, but I really need to find satisfaction and contentment with my current status. This is not the first time I've told myself that I need to find a way to focus on my current happiness rather than pursuing future joy, but I really have no idea of how to go about achieving this ideal state of satisfaction.
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