This has been brewing...

This post has been brewing for a few weeks. This is not a capitulation, but it's not a re-engaging with the Bookshelf Zero project either. It's more of a reassessment of how I got here, where I am with this project, and what it all means. I'm not sure where to start, and, as I have been starting and never posting thoughts on YouTube vloggers, career prospects, and my general aspect on life, I will likely overthink this post and just give up on it before I get into the real issue.

I live a highly quantitated life. I track my running mileage and pace, reading, workouts, and intimate times with my wife. My entire life has had this element of the quantifiable. Grades, weight lifting maxes, 40 times, body weight, standardized test scores, number of publications, my entire graduate research program was just one big effort to measure a very obscure property of some obscure molecules. I was religious about keeping a list of video games that I beat when I was a kid. I was attracted to the Concept2 rowing machine because they supported an online logbook with rankings and challenges. It's no wonder I enjoy gambling. That's the ultimate in quantifiable living. Your value isn't measured in some abstract concept of the Good or a Soul. You're as good as the money you've won. Law school applications are the ultimate in quantified living. We are living in a quantified world and I am a quantified girl. 

Quantification has its place, but deeming personal worth by scores and measures is not that place. Bookshelf Zero sets another aspect of my life into the quantified framework. Do I read to read or do I read to realize another quantified goal? I never really judged my worth by my paycheck, but my worth is certainly wrapped up in how many books I've read, how much weight I can lift, and how many times I've had sex in a year. Earning more points doesn't mean I'm living a better life. More points just means I'm earning more arbitrary value on an activity that in many cases has no material impact on my life. Points have been an easy proxy for value derivation. The more points I'm earning, the better life I must be living or the better person I must be. 

I really don't know how to find value and meaning outside of the quantified realm. I know my best years have been those when all the things I quantify have gone well. I'm healthy (running well, lifting regularly), pursuing meaningful activities (reading good books), and my relationship is in a good place (plenty of sex). My ability to do those things well says that work is going well and my life is in a good, stable place. I'm getting the reassurance I need to feel confident and energized. I feel like I'm important and valuable. My best quantified years were the twenty teens. Plenty of highlights in these years. I got really into the whole experience points thing during this time. I was killing all my goals. Then my kids got older (I also got older) and the points thing wasn't working as well. My job changed, Covid hit, and it's been a struggle ever since. All the things I relied on to feel good about myself just kind of crumbled. I felt exposed and I've been struggling to figure out a way to recover from this exposure. 

I always turn to my points system for salvation when I need an ego boost, but that trick isn't working. My old tricks aren't doing the job any longer. Making progress on Bookshelf Zero doesn't feel like an accomplishment in the way it used to. I started this project when I realized I own books that I will likely never read in my lifetime. I buy books as an aspiration to some higher state. Not reading these books means I will not achieve that state. Bookshelf Zero was a way to ensure I achieved that state, but it became its own effort to achieve a higher state. So I still want to read the books, but I'm not sure Bookshelf Zero is the effort to get me there. I'm also not sure I can give it up. Where does that leave me? Good question.

How do I end up in these ruts?

I've finished 6 books so far this year. The latest was H is for Hawk. I've had that book in my Kindle library for a couple of years. I think I picked it up on sale after having had my eye on it after it was well reviewed. It also has a catchy cover. I'm into birds. My last name starts with H. It felt like it was a book that would fit my vibe. I'm not sure I feel that way having read it, but it was definitely a book worth reading. It wasn't the most engaging and page turning read though. That may not be the book's fault. I have not been managing my energy well for the last few weeks. I'm totally tapped by the evening so reading right before I go to bed doesn't get me very far. I know, this is a common refrain. My patterns are well established. 

My prediction that Bewilderment would be quick proved accurate. It went a bit outlandish at the end, felt like some Covid concerns slipped in as the writing was wrapping up, but the core of the book was strong.  Generation X didn't fit on my shelves when I finally got my books out of the boxes so I just went ahead and read it. The wide pages with the pithy slogans and cartoons felt contrived but the book itself was fine. It would likely be forgotten if the title hadn't been used to label my generation. I was curious. I'm not curious any longer. I bought a biography of a Polish poet who lived in California on a whim. It deserves the praise that I read. Reading how this guy turned his California life into poetry (I've read a few of the poems, they deliver) was an interesting contrast to the stream of conscious superficiality of YouTube videos. These people need to do more with the experiences they document. Give us some synthesis. Find some meaning in all these places you go and things you see!

I'm close to abandoning my current book, The Grace of Kings. It's just not very interesting (or well written). I'm 100 pages in and it's not doing anything for me. I have so many other good books sitting around that I would rather read. I may give it a few more days, but if things don't pick up soon I'm moving on. 

I bought an Agatha Christie book on sale the other day, And Then There Were None, so I'm still at 167 after finishing H is for Hawk. I really need to go on one of my reading spurts and check a few of these things off (so I can buy more books). 

Great Circle closed

The first third of this book is fantastic. I figured I would have to
read what actually won the Booker Prize because whatever beat this
book out must be fantastic. There is a weird shift somewhere in the
middle of the book where the magic that propelled the early narrative
slips away. The Marian Graves arc flounders. Things wrap up
satisfactorily, but that middle third or so really drags down the
novel. The book is still excellent, but the power of the early part is
not sustained throughout the entire book. I'm happy I read it. It's
such a relief to read a contemporary novel that isn't about a writer
trying to navigate their overwrought life.

Another Booker Prize shortlisted book that I had on my library waiting
list came available right as I was finishing Great Circle.
Bewilderment grabbed me just as strongly as Great Circle. I read a few
pages this morning and I have been compelled to dip in pretty
regularly all day. I read a decent chunk of one of my owned books
yesterday, I really want to build some owned book momentum, but I was
drawn back to Bewilderment. The writing is top notch, but the book is
also really short. I don't feel like I will get too off track with the
owned books with this one as I will zip through it pretty quickly.
It's so short I expect it will be more uniformly strong.

I'm back to 169 after buying Kafka on the Shore. So be it. I may buy
Overstory if Bewilderment delivers on its early promise.

Another book finished, sticking with the plan

I finished Siege of Darkness today. I should have finished it last
week, but reading is a pretty low priority activity when I'm at home.
It was one of the better Drizzt books. I'm always impressed with how
well Salvatore keeps the stories fresh despite a relatively limited
cast and settings. The limited scope allows him to add depth and
dimension to his characters and settings. Plots move forward with a
good pace but new elements get added so the series moves forward with
fresh new angles. I'm happy to keep plugging away at these.

I implemented the defined reading time tonight. The first night was a
success. I didn't have to deal with the big question of what to read
next as I've been reading Siege of Darkness and Great Circle
simultaneously. I just picked up Great Circle right where I left off
from my library loan. I read to experience books like this. It's
fantastic. It's such a pleasure to read. I wouldn't know what to say
if somebody asked me what makes it so fun. I may figure out its appeal
by the end of the book, but I'm just happy to go along for the ride.

As it's the beginning of the year, this seems like a reasonable place
to check in on my progress to BookShelf Zero. Not great. I bought a
bunch of books right at the end of the year to bring my book total to
169. Finishing Drizzt 10 brings me down to 168. I wanted to get below
140 last year. I ended up adding 13 books. That's not really the
direction I want to go, but that's just been life. Hopefully this
regular reading time will get things moving and I'll start checking
off books on the regular.

Serious reading slump

It's been two weeks since I finished a book. I borrowed Choke from the
library after hearing the author on Rogan (don't want to look up his
name, it's the guy who wrote FIght Club). I started reading Henderson
the Rain King but wasn't making good progress. I actually started
Choke after Henderson. Choke wasn't anything particularly special. It
wasn't bad, but it wasn't anything particularly good either. I impulse
purchased a Kindle Daily Deal book called The Reading List. I thought
that might get me out of my funk, but it was terrible. It was so bad I
returned it. I had no interest in finishing it. So much for that plan.
I haven't abandoned Henderson yet, but I need to start making progress
soon of it will join the tried once but didn't finish Goodreads shelf.

I am flying home tomorrow. (Not sure if it's really home anymore, but
it's where my family lives so that's enough to make it home for me.
Maybe it's home 1 while the house down here is home 2.) I'm in the
middle seat on both flights and it will be dark so I was going to get
something from the Sci FI list from the library that I can read on my
phone. I pulled up the list to see what is available (I've italicized
the titles that I have seen in the library catalogue in the list I
keep in Google) when I saw the Drizzt books. I fished the next one out
of the boxes of books that I have yet to unpack at the house. (I would
probably have moved on to something else if I had the books out where
I could see them. All in good time.) I'm not sure how much of it I can
read on the plane tomorrow, but I should have time to read it while
I'm home. I will have stuff to do around the house and I plan on
getting in some good runs, but an easy book to read will be a good way
to spend some time too.

I should take a Dickens book. That's the most accessible reading
resolution that I have for this year. Oliver Twist is the shortest one
that I have left to read. Little Dorritt is realistic. Dombey and
Sons, not so sure about that beast. It would also be another owned
book read. I guess I'll see if I can find Little Dorritt in my book
boxes...

Did some math blah blah

Would be down to 75 books to be read
Would be finish in May of 2025

A week into setting time aside to read

The defined reading time is working reasonably well so far. I finished
reading Sex at Dawn tonight. I had just started the book when I
decided to define a reading time. I would still be in the middle of
the book if I hadn't defined a time to read. Picking up the book and
getting started is the hardest part of reading in the evening. Once
I'm going, it's not hard to keep going. Getting away from all the
other low energy requirement activities is the challenge. Sex at Dawn
is not a particularly challenging read so that always helps too. It
wasn't a particularly good book either. I've read enough of these
books attempting to link our drives to our ancient past that I can see
through the flimsy arguments. They all seem to start with a desired
conclusion and build an argument with scant evidence and ample
speculation. You want to prove we're all slutty, there is data for
that. You want to prove that we're all driven to be in life long pair
bonds, there are data for that. We're highly social creatures with a
tremendous aptitude for adaptation. We can become whatever we need to
become. The only way to be human is to expand to fill your niche as
fully as possible.

So another owned book (that I've been curious to read for awhile) has
been removed from the I'll get to it someday pile. I took a peek at my
Resolutions to see if there are any other goals that I could pursue
with my next reading choice. Get my to read pile under 140 is not
happening but reading something I own is in the spirit of the goal. I
set a goal to read 5 Modern Library books. I've read 2 this year (The
Heart of the Matter and Death Comes for the Archbishop) so there is
hope I could get to 3. I could read a Dickens book. I'm not seeing
Dickens in my immediate future, maybe later this month. I'm thinking
Henderson the Rain King will be my next reading effort. I also have
Ginger Man on my phone. Those are both Modern Library books. They're
also pretty short. The effort starts tomorrow. Time to go to bed.